I spent years of my life asking WHY did this have to happen to me, to us? Why did my son have to die? Why did he have to have that condition? Why didn’t I take any photos of him? Why did I not let our daughter see him? Why him? Why? Why? WHY?! Of course asking these questions was only natural, but I became stuck. I felt as though I was drowning. After a longer time than I would probably like to admit, I came to the realization that I will never really know why so many of these things happened or didn’t happen. The why question only ever brings me more pain. Kind of like when you start asking yourself ‘What if?”. We punish ourselves so harshly when we ask ourselves, God or the universe these questions. I often think that the reality of the fact that my son died, was too much for my being to handle and that somewhere deep in my heart if I kept on asking why, I would be able to change the past and fix everything. Somehow I could bring him back. But I can’t. The past is unchangeable. There is nothing we can do about it now. Asking why or what if will only bring more pain.
Asking “Why?” put me in a really dark hole and I didn’t emerge from that darkness until I stopped asking Why? and started asking what heals me? What was it that made me feel good? What brought joy to my heart? What lifted my spirits? I channeled my grief into things that made me feel even the slightest bit of happiness. Before too long my whys were turned into amazing wonders. My life became all about love and seeking healing and honouring my precious boy by living a beautiful life for him.
I started to create meaning in my grief.
If you feel stuck in the Why? or the What if? take some time out to just breathe to calm your heart and mind. Place your hand over your beating heart and feel the love that you have for your child and ask yourself, What Heals You? You may not get an answer straight away, but give it a little time. If you do get an answer, place a little energy into what ever it is that brings joy to your heart. You might want to paint, go for a hike, read a book, sing, dance, cook, garden. Whatever it is, focus on what brings you joy and watch your life begin to heal.
When you wake up in the morning, take a few minutes to think about your day, notice how you are feeling and ask yourself what you can do to help heal you today. It is very important to ground yourself each morning, As you go about your day, if you find yourself in moments where you feel overwhelmed by negative feelings, take a moment out to stop, breathe, center your heart and start again. At the end of the day, as you lay down to sleep, think about all the blessings that occurred in your life that day, even if it is only a couple. Give thanks for them. When you take gratitude into your sleep with you, you are more than likely going to wake up with it and having gratitude in your everyday life will help with the healing process.
Remember that there is no getting over this. But there is healing to be found and that healing can co-exist with your grief. Grief is of course just a deep form of love and you will never stop loving your child.
Sending you all much love for wherever you are in this walk of life.