When I lay there in the hospital holding the body of my stillborn son, I vowed never to have another child again. The pain was too much to ever risk going through it again. However something changed in me. I wanted to give our daughter a sibling. When we started trying for another baby, I knew that it was the right time for us because my yearning for a baby outweighed the worry and fear of if it was going to happen again. If you are yearning for a baby outweighs your fear of losing another child and your body is physically able, then I believe you are ready. Only you know your own heart.
My pregnancies with River and Ocea were a whirlwind of emotions. I felt anxious, worried, excited, hopeful, fearful and paranoid. I could not picture my baby being born alive. But they were. They were born screaming into this world.
What helped me the most was learning techniques on how to calm my mind and heart. Pregnancy after loss is like being handed over an anxiety disorder. You have to work out what helps to eliminate your anxiety. For me it was simply stopping and concentrating on my breathing. Having a close friendship with other bereaved mothers that were on the same road as myself was a massive gift to me. In particular there were three other women whose babies were all about the same gestation as my baby. We shared everything together through emails. We held each other up on the bad days and we were able to find the positives and beautiful moments in all our pregnancies. Our friendship has continued since all our babies were born.
If you are pregnant, as much as joining Pregnancy After Loss groups online or in person may sound helpful, you need to be aware of how everyone’s fear anxiety is affecting you. There may be other bereaved mothers that warn you of things to look out for during your pregnancy. They only have your best interests at heart, but try not to concentrate on all of these things. There are so many things that could take your baby from you and if you concentrate on all of them or even just a few, you are only bringing about unnecessary stress to you and your precious baby. Try to focus on positive beliefs.
I have written an affirmation especially for women pregnant after the loss of a baby. This may help you in times where your anxiety is high. So if you are in a particular bad spot, just stop what you are doing and take a few deep breaths. Breathing in for 3 counts. Holding for 2 and breathing out for 5. Do this until you feel your heart rate drop back down and then read your affirmation. You may want to read it a few times over.When you read your affirmation, take a deep breath in and out after each sentence.
<3 Affirmation For Pregnancy <3
I have been blessed with the gift of a precious baby.
Each day that passes my love for my child grows deeper.
My baby feels safe and peaceful in my womb.
My body is amazing and wise. It knows exactly what
to do. I invoke all of the love and support from the millions of
woman who have walked this road before me. As I carry and
nurture this new life, I too am held and supported.
I release all fears and any guilt surrounding pregnancy that I
may have felt in the past. I now trust, love and thank my body.
Whenever I feel anxious, I stop and take deep breaths. I
send lovingly, calm thoughts to each cell in my body.
I am calm. I am peaceful. I am strong. I am perfect health.
All is well and safe with my baby and I.
I AM A BEAUTIFUL MOTHER.
Surround yourself with as much positive energy as possible. Yes, it is not easy to be positive, especially in this situation, so if you are really struggling there, just concentrate on your breathing when you find yourself feeling anxious. Try some meditation or prayer of an evening. This is a time for you to focus on all things beautiful. Go outside and watch the sunset each day, if you up at sunrise, go outside and breathe in the morning air. You can still celebrate this new life you are carrying. I know many people who chose to have a Blessing Way over a Baby Shower after losing a baby. A Blessing Way is such a beautiful and meaningful way to honour your baby and yourself and you are not left with a room full of presents at the end of the day, but a strong presence of love. You can check out my Pinterest Page for more ideas and information.
One of my biggest regrets with my daughter River (she came after Christian) was that I did not have any photos taken of our pregnancy with her. To protect my own heart, I didn’t want to have any done in case she died. Even if she had of died, those photos would have been so treasured. I just couldn’t see that at the time. Now I have no photos to show her of when she was growing in my belly. Oh how I regret that decision. If you can, have photos taken of yourself.
If you are a member of many loss groups on facebook you may want to hide their posts if they are bring extra grief or worry upon you. This does not mean that you are being selfish, it means you are taking care of you and your baby and if any of your friends cannot understand that, then they really are not friends at all. Surrounding yourself with other people’s grief and heartache will not help you.
My friend Franchesca has written a beautiful book especially for mothers who are experiencing a pregnancy after the loss of a baby. You find it here.
During my last pregnancy with my daughter Ocea I kept an online journal. I am currently in the process of making into a book called The Water Child Diary. I will keep everyone updated on that.
If you are trying to conceive after a loss I wish you all my peace and love. If you are pregnant I hope this has been of some help to you.