My Experience

I was 24 years old, married to a beautiful man and together we had been blessed with a gorgeous little girl who we had named Scarlett. Life was peachy until all of a sudden it wasn’t. Our life that we knew was shattered into a thousand pieces. It was over. It was as if somebody had come for us in the middle of the night. Taken us out into the desert pushed us out of their moving car and then tossed a note out of the window that just said “Good Luck”. We were left on our own in the middle of nowhere, with no idea how we would get back home…

There is no survival kit for grief. Sure there are a ton of charities and websites to help you navigate your way through but we are all different and so we all heal differently. My home was filled with dying flowers and after a week the meals stopped arriving at our doorstep.  It had only been a month when people in my life started acting like nothing happened. Everyday felt like Winter at its harshest and I couldn’t escape the cold… But then one morning I woke up to feel the warmth on sunlight on my skin. And so began my journey to healing.

Christian’s diagnosis, death and birth has been the most incredible life changing event to occur in my life. Nothing prepares you for such an experience. We knew he was going to die, but it was so hard to believe that this was hapening to us.

Christian was little, just over a ruler length long. He measured the size of a 21 week baby even though he was further along. He had a button nose and strong shoulders like his beautiful Dad. I held him on my chest for hours, whispering all of my love to him. I never imagined you could hurt so badly and feel that much love all at the same time. He left my arms that day, but he has stayed with me in my heart ever since.

In the early days just out from Christian dying, one of the things that helped me the most was getting out into fresh air. I had to concerntrate on breathing. I would sit outside in the sunlight and soak up all vitamin d that I could. After a little while I decided to create a garden for Christian. Digging my hands into the earth was so good for me. I was angry and so I worked hard in my garden. By working hard physically I was able to let my anger out and at the same time I was creating something so beautiful. A garden for him. A garden for my family.

Something else that played such an integral role in my healing process was listening to music. I am a huge lover of music from many different genres. I found that in the first few weeks after having Christian I could not fall asleep at night. I was prescribed sleeping pills but I hated taking them as they made me feel unwell the next day. So I started playing music softly before I went to sleep. Just orchestral pieces. I found myself visualizing Christian in a beautiful place just before I would fall asleep. Before, when I did not play the music all I could envision was his death and his lifeless little body in my arms. How could I ever fall sleep with that memory in the forefront of my weary mind?

Having many friendships on the internet with other women who have lost children is by far the most helpful thing for me. They understand what I am feeling and I understand what they are going through. We are there for each other always. We share a deep connection.

My healing journey has not been a walk in the park. I have made a massive effort to heal since Christian left us. I have to choose to heal everyday. I look for beauty in everything. I search for it, I try to capture it in photos and I share it around.

What has helped me may not work for you. We are all different. Therefore we may grieve differently. If I can say anything on a way to help you heal it would be to find yourself a hobby. Something that you love, let it be an outlet for your grief. It may be painting, exercising, singing, writing or reading. Whatever it is, if it makes you feel good, then do it. Take some time each day just for you and be gentle on yourself.

Never feel weak for seeking professional help. Although counseling was not for me, it may be for you. I know a lot of women who have seeked professional help and it has been wonderful for them.

Lastly, never feel guilty for laughing. Never feeling guilty for enjoying yourself. I have read so many times that women feel they are not honouring their child because they felt happiness for a moment. If you feel happy, that is a wonderful thing. If you want to laugh than laugh as much as you want. You are not dishonouring your child, you are honouring them.

I wish you love and many blessings for this road.