So here is how I am feeling tonight…

What I’m excited about…

Seeing Florence + The Machine on Thursday with Holly.

August – August means seeing Sue.

What I’m worried about…

Winter.

The girls asthma, especially Ocea’s wheezy baby chest.

My sweet friend facing the first anniversary of her son’s passing.

What I’m craving…

More Ocea cuddles.

Pancakes.

A date night with Sam.

Sleep.

More pancakes.

Pretty much everything their cooking on Master Chef.

What I’m working on…

Photographs for Christian’s Beach.

And more for The Seashore.

Flower Faeries!

Miscarriage packs for August 19th.

Trying to answer emails, fb messages and website enquiries.

Making my website more simple.

An article for Still Standing Magazine.

New cards for Lost For Words.

Pinterest… Okay that’s probably not work.

The ceremony proceedings for our Beach Service for October 15th.

Word recognition with Scarlett.

Drawing pictures with River.

Talking with Ocea.

What I need to do less of…

Work – Hah!

Worrying, I really am working hard on this.

What I need to do more of…

Sleeping.

Reading.

Writing.

Placing my hands in the earth of my garden. I long for dirt under my nails.

Painting flowers with Scarlett.

What I’m angry about…

That some of my close who friends are struggling to get pregnant, let alone bringing a healthy babe home from the hospital.

And Mother’s Day sux bro. Hallmark you have managed to own this day now – how dare you.

What my heart is heavy about…

Christian… he just would have had so much fun with us. We are such a great family.

Griz… I just miss him.

Angie’s little baby died. So unfair. So cruel.

What I’m loving right now…

Sam following his dream.

Hawaii Five-O and NCIS LA joining for two episodes! Okay that’s lame.

Scarlett’s progress at speech therapy.

Movie night with our neighbours! Avengers! Come On!

Cadbury Dairy Milk Peanut Toffee and Cookie Creations… dude.

What I’m looking forward to…

I already mentioned Florence and Sue…

The Matt Corby gig in June.

The new Tinkerbell movie coming out.

Wednesday Offspring date nights with Amy.

Being a bridesmaid for the first time in October.

Spring.

Summer.

Christmas.

Who/what is inspiring me…

This girl.

These girls.

Pinterest.

What I would do if I won the lotto this weekend…

I’d buy a big old house by Christian’s Beach and we would set it up as a free bed and breakfast for newly bereaved parents to get away to. I would create a beautiful reflection room filled with gorgeous artwork, candles, comfy couches and books. We would have a section for a small art gallery all made up of works by bereaved parents from all over the world. It would be a room for people to come and spend some quiet time in. I would run my friendship group from the memorial garden in the back yard, it would be filled with windchimes, lanterns and fairy lights. We would also start beach memorial services where families would be able to come down and scatter the ashes of their babies and children in the ocean. Oh how wonderful that would be.

10 things I’m grateful for…

Being able to get out of bed in the morning without any problems.

Pillows, blankets, my bed.

Clean hot water.

Our amazing family GP – Dr Koh, most awesome guy ever.

Parents. My beautiful parents.

Friends, especially the brave women who came to my Mother’s Day afternoon tea when they did not know anyone at all.

My brother for  jumping on a plane to surprise me.

My children, they are my everything. Even the smallest one who has just covered my bed and wall in lipstick.

So this is how I am feeling right now. I am going to be making some changes to my work, nothing too major but it will involve me slowing down. I will bring everyone up to date on this shortly… thinking of making a video blog.

This day was created get people to start talking about the real meaning of Mother’s Day. Do you know who started it? Anna Jarvis founded the traditional Mother’s Day to honour her mother Ann who experienced the death of 7 of her children and somehow through the years it has turned into a commercialized mess that card companies make millions of dollars from, but the worst thing is that bereaved mothers are completely forgotten.

It was created to honour and celebrate mothers who carry some if not all of their children in their hearts rather than their arms. The traditional Mothers Day has been ruined and now proves to be an emotionally difficult day for so many mothers around the world. This needs to be healed. We want our Mother’s Day back and so we will continue to hold this separate day until society remembers us. This special day is a temporary movement.

On this day each year we come together to celebrate our connection, our babies and children and our hope for the future. We look at their ultrasound photos, polish their urns, lay flowers at their graves, visit special places and light candles in their memory.

Sunday May 6th 2012, get together with your closest friends and family who understand and celebrate you. Celebrate your children. And lets speak about the true meaning of Mother’s Day.

Visit our facebook page to join the community of bereaved mothers.

To help raise awareness for this beautiful day take some flowers from the flower gallery below. Post them as your profile image on your favourite social network. Post them on your friends walls on facebook and let them know they are beautiful mothers. Please feel welcome to use the images on your blogs or websites.

Untied in grief we find recognition and strength.

Wishing you all love and blessings for our Mothers Day.

With light,

Carly Marie

So what will I be contributing at Still Standing? Well I believe that we all have voices in this bereaved community. Whether you are there to advocate awareness, comfort and support others, inspire others to heal or you are just there to offer your friendship and understanding we all play these important roles which makes are community balance. At Still Standing I hope to bring some magic and wonder to the readers, ways to help inspire healing by sharing some of my personal stories, strange and miraculous happenings and of course some photographs!

Wherever you are on your journey with grief you will find something that fits you at Still Standing. The magazine launches of May 5th and you can keep up to date with everything about the magazine including reading about the other gorgeous contributors by liking the facebook page.

I am really honoured to be a part of this wonderful project – Franchesca, my dear friend – thank you for inviting me!

When your sisters were born I took hundreds of photos of them. They were miraculous little beings and I could not believe that they had been given to me to raise and look after. When you were born I never picked up my camera that day. It wasn’t because you were not as miraculous as your sisters – you were a beautiful miracle and for whatever reason we were only allowed to have you for a day. How could I put you down to go and get my camera? We had moments, not years. I couldn’t put you down, I couldn’t take my eyes off you.

I have little evidence of you. A few surgical images that the kind midwives tried to make more gentle by having you hold a flower when they photographed you. I was blessed enough to live in a state that recognized your life and because of that recognition I was given a birth certifcate with your beautiful name on it.

You were not a lost pregnancy or a stillborn as some have described you. You were not a sad thing that happened to us or a tragic circumstance. You were a baby, my baby, our baby. A human being. I glowed the day you were born. I call it The Mother Glow. It happens to every mother regardless of whether her baby breathes or not and that memory of my reflection in the mirror that day is enough evidence for me that you existed.

You are my son and although I cannot care for you physically, I carry you always. You are everywhere I go. Especially when I hold your sisters. Your DNA is a part of mine now and that bonds us together forever.

We would like to extend a heartfelt gratitude to Margaret Price at The Wanneroo Times for writing this beautiful article about all of our work here at Project Heal. A very big thank you to Geoff Hutchison at 720 ABC Radio for having us on the show to speak about Christian and the legacy that he has left behind for this world of ours.

If you are visiting today after hearing the segment on the radio or from picking up your newspaper welcome to Project Heal. You can find all of our work through these links below.

Facebook

Twitter

Chrstian’s Beach (Childrens Names In The Sand)

The Seashore Of Remembrance (Adults Name In The Sand)

Sunset Butterflies

Sand Butterflies

Sand Peace Doves

International Bereaved Mothers Day

International Bereaved Fathers Day

Luminous Light (Bereaved Parents Friendship Group)

Lost For Words (Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss Card Line)

With love and peace to you.

Welcome to Luminous Light. We are a group of girlfriends that mostly live in Perth, Western Australia. Each of us has been touched in one way or another by pregnancy, infant and child loss. It is because of the babies and children that we are not able to hold in our arms but in our hearts that we were brought together.

After an incredible evening at the children’s beach in Mullaloo, Western Australia on October 15th 2010 (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day) our friendship was sealed. Us group leaders of Luminous Light held a special candlelight ceremony on the beach and many bereaved families joined us for what can only be described as a magical evening.

Since that day we have exchanged, phone calls, emails and spent morning teas together discussing how we could bring a little light into the lives of women, couples and families during the darkest moments of their lives.

Once a year at Luminous Light we create miscarriage gift packs and memory boxes for hospitals in Perth Western Australia. Our major delivery date is August 19th each year. We created the gifts over an afternoon tea at Carly Marie’s home. It is a beautiful afternoon filled with good food, smiles, tears and most of all understanding.

Throughout the year we host events for special days including International Babylost Mothers Day and October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

If you would like to join our private facebook page we would love to meet you!

You can find our offcial facebook page here or you can join own private friendship group here.

The Luminous Light Team

From left to right:

In the last remaining hours of 2011 I thought about my year.  This year has been so many things for me. There have been so many blessings yet so much sadness. This year I feel that the sad times have outweighed the happy ones. My daughters suffered through the long Winter. I cant even count how many times we were in hospital this year. There were illnesses, a car accident and a car break in and the loss of one of my friendships. But the worst thing – my Grandad died. My beautiful Grandad. The only thing I will miss about 2011 is that this is the very last time that I can say that I am in the year that my Granddad was alive. I miss him so. He lived a long and beautiful life and I am so relieved for him that his pain is over, but I am sad for me. Sad for my family who miss him just as much as I do.

My heart was so heavy last night. I thought of all my friends who struggle  just to get pregnant let alone hold a pregnancy. I thought of all my friend who’s only babies are not with them cuddled under their arms and then I thought about all the families who in this new year will join our community.

Oh man, life is heavy sometimes.

As I lay there feeling the lowest of lows River let out a giggle in her sleep, she then went on to say “Marry Cwismas!” Oh how I laughed. It was then that I realized that even though this year has been really difficult there has been so many great times. I got to meet Sue – my best friend – in person for the first time and she stayed at my place! We got to share sunsets together and the dolphins visited us. My brother moved home from Melbourne (still coming to terms with how bad those watermelon shorts actually are). Wednesday evenings this year were date nights with Amy watching Offspring together (love you girl -  can’t wait for the next season!). Many late nights were spent with our awesome neighbours. There were Summer nights spent with the Hayden-Evan’s crew at Mullaloo Beach – love you guys! 2am emails with Franchesca in Texas discussing our card line and calendars. Eddie Vedder’s solo gig! I finally watched Twilight Afternoons, evenings, beach visits and morning teas with my Luminous Light girlfriends. August 19th Memory Box drop off. I met so many amazing people this year! The Heartfelt Exhibition was so worth the flight over. I got to finally meet some beautiful bloggers in Melbourne. I shared a pizza with Sal and Soph. (so wished I could have pressed pause on that evening girls) There was the day that the girls redecorated the walls of our home with crayons (they did an amazing job! Oh dear.) There was my surprise birthday with my closest of friends and these are just some of the good times of 2011. Funny how the bad always outweighs the good even if it is not actually balanced that way.

2012 I welcome you with open arms. Let my children have a break from illness. May there be no hospital trips. May River love Kindy, may Scarlett love year 1. May Ocealalosha keep growing as beautifully as she is.

Thank you to everyone that has supported our work this year, whether you have sent us your love, left a comment on one of our photos, purchased some work from us or donated to Christian’s Legacy for your children’s sunset photos, whatever it is you have done – Thank  you from the bottom our our hearts. We feel blessed and are able to continue our work because of you.

May 2012 be a beautiful year for you whatever road it is you are traveling. Remember that you can always find beauty in life even when there seems to be only darkness.

Every night for the month of December as the sun is setting, Christian’s Beach will be lit up with star fairy lights.

Each evening The Project Heal Christmas Tree will also be lit up candles and fairy lights. Beneath the tree lays a book of remembrance where we will honour any baby or child who has passed away by adding their names to the pages of the book.

Having your baby or child honoured in our special book only takes two simple steps.

Step one:

Enter your childrens names into the form below with you contact email address.

Step Two:

Leave a comment on this blog post with your child’s name and special message for Christmas.

Or if you prefer to use facebook please leave a comment here.

Thank you for taking the time to be a part of this special project here at Project Heal.

We wish you all the peace and love in the world for ths Christmas.

Tomorrow is the 1st of December. The first day of a long awaited Summer for us down here in the Southern Hemisphere. It is also the first day of Christmas. Tomorrow evening after we have decorated out Christmas tree and all our fairy lights are on and candles lit I will be opening submissions for anyone who would like to have their childrens names honoured in our Christmas Memory book. All you will need to do is stop by here or visit my facebook page.

Wishing you all many blessings today.

xxx

Last night I received some nasty mail. It came from a woman who is angry at me for influencing others to have surgical births. What? When do I ever speak about that? At first I thought she had me mixed up with someone else and then she referenced one of my old blogs where I stated that I was going to have a c-section with Ocea. Anyway this person went on to say that by me doing this I am just as bad as all the birth rapists in this world and that I am only adding babies names to my list at the beach. That is a bit heavy isn’t it? I googled birth rapist and from what I could see it is a term for a person in the medicial profession who makes decisions without asking the patient. One site was totally against obstericians all together. Wow. I felt so sad about this. My obstetrician is possibly the most gentle, kindest person I know, she saved Scarlett’s life, she saved my life. And I can tell you that the last thing I ever felt after delivering my 4 babies was raped even though one of them was pulled out with a vacuum. Anyway this lady who by the sounds of it is a very hurt soul made me realize that I don’t often stand up for myself and my beliefs. If anything I hide them away. So today I am putting on some big girl pants and I am going to share some things about me that you may not know. Some of it you may not like. You may even hate. But this is me. I am not asking you to like me but I do ask that you respect my choices in this life just as I would respect yours.

So who am I?

I am the the person who butts in and stands up for the person standing behind the counter when the other customer is being petty. I am the mother who struggles to get her daughters to school on time. The Queen of Midnight Pancakes. The Daughter. The Big Sister. The Loving, Crazy Annoying, Fun, Know It All, Infuriating Wife. The Tooth Fairy Messenger. The Broke Interior Designer. I’m The Banisher of Night Time Monsters. The Sleepless Warrior. I am The Spew Bucket Holder. The Cleaning Faery. The Dishwashing Faery. The Cothes Washing Faery. The Tickle Moster. I’m the girl fighting to hold back tears at the concert. The Drawer of Butterflies. The woman who wishes you hadn’t of asked her how many children she has. I am The Bereaved Mother holding a basket of rose petals on the beach. But most of all I am a mother.

I love my children more than anything in this world.

I don’t have a lot of time to give anyone. The time that I do have goes to my children and my husband.

I have really close and amzingly loving friends, you know who you are. I treasure you.

I eat way too many pancakes. But seriously how good are pancakes?

I have a sleep disorder.

I get angry when I am told by people that the relationship I share with Ocea and River would be stronger or closer if they had of been born naturally rather than by c-section.

I like, no LOVE my c-section scars. They remind me of two of the most beautiful moments of my life. And in the words of Stephanie Cole I would take a surgical birth over a stillbirth any day. I have never understood women who advocate for women’s birthing choices yet hate on women who choose to birth their baby in a hospital. I am cool with you birthing your baby at home, it just isn’t something I would choose to do for myself and my baby… but seriously why can’t we all get along y’all?!

I breastfed my daughters for a four months each. I have been spoken down to by other mothers for having to use formula, even though it was my only option.

I don’t care how you feed your baby – just feed it.

I vaccinate my children, no regrets.

I get real annoyed when people say we must have a demon in our house because my children are always so sick – yeah you are right there is a demon and his name is Asthma.

I do get hurt easily.

I choose to find beauty and healing in all situations, except for gastro – there aint nothing beautiful about that.

I loathe my mobile phone. I am terrible at texting back. I am terrible at returning calls.

I let my children sleep in the same bed as me. I can cuddle them for hours.

We don’t have a strict routine in our house.

I do make wishes on stars.

I let my children paint and make an awesome mess.

I let River bodyboard even though she is only 3 years old. Lets face it that kid is nuts and she can do just about anything.

With every candle I burn each day there is a prayer said.

My children are allowed to play in the dirt with no shoes on.

I love digging my hands in the earth of my garden. It grounds me.

I hate cooking. I. Am. So. Bad. At. It.

But I love eating.

I am a sucker for Mark Wahlberg movies -Shooter and The Lovely Bones are up there with my favourite movies of all time.

My favourite childhood movie is The Goonies. Hey you guuuuuyyyyysss!!!!

Music is everything to me.

I LOVE being at a live music gig – that is home for me.

I do not drink alcohol at all.

I hate illicit drugs, especially when parents do them.

I have never been out of Australia.

I am frightened of the ocean after a bad collision with some jellyfish when I was 20 years old. Dude.

Yes, I loved the twilight movies, no I am not going to line up the day before the new movie comes out.

I go outside each night and stare up at the stars and speak to my dead relatives (she must be crazy!)

I work my butt off – I take on too much.

I need to start taking Sundays off.

I hate saying no but I am not afraid to do so.

I get nervous before we hold events at the beach.

I believe in healing.

I do believe there is a God.

But please don’t ask me to join a site against gay marriage.

I will never share a photo of my son online. That doesn’t mean I don’t love him or that he wasn’t real.

I hate numbers.

I don’t want you to like my page if you don’t.

You will never find a “like my page to enter” sign on my blog.

I hate competitiveness, especially when it raises its ugly head in charities in this community.

I don’t like it when people steal my photographs. Especially when they go on to sell them.

It has never sat well with me when my son is referred to as an angel. He is a little boy.

I love my neighbours, literally, they are awesome people and I feel very blessed that we were brought together.

I swear sometimes. Okay probably more than sometimes.

I wish I had nicer clothes, longer hair, paint on our walls.

I will support anyone and everyone who has lost a child. It does not matter to me how your child passed. And no that does not make me pro abortion. It just means I choose to love and support, rather than hate, belittle and judge.

I don’t believe in karma anymore.

I don’t believe you can please everyone.

We are all different people with different beliefs and that is what makes us all so interesting and even beautiful. I may not believe the same things as you and. that. is. okay.