I remember asking Sam how he thought we should tell our parents the news. I prayed the rest of the way home for God to give me His strength for the days ahead and especially then, when I would have to deliver this devastating news to our family. We pulled into our street and I remember taking in deep breaths. My heart raced and my body just hurt. We walked into our home and our parents all stood up from where they had been sitting. They stood around us. My hands were shaking and in a weak voice I told them that it was the worst case scenario, that there was no hope for him and that it was only a matter of time before he dies. There was not going to be any miracle recovery. I told them that we had decided to name him Christian. I remember the sigh from Gloria (Sam’s Mum) as she put her hand over her mouth. My Mum (Annie) held my hand as her eyes welled with tears. My Dad put his arm around me. I remember thanking God for giving me the strength to tell them without completely collapsing in my sorrow. We stood there in silence for some time. Our family and friend’s were called and before we knew it our home was filled with concerned family and friends, meals and flowers.
The following days were precious to me as I knew that the time that Christian and I had together was limited. Waiting for your baby to die while you are still carrying them in your womb is something no one should ever have to go through. It was a very sacred and almost holy time in my life. I spoke to him, I sang to him. I told him how much we wanted him and how much we loved him. I made him promises, some that I have kept and others that I have failed in. My life turned into a ritual of lighting candles, praying and speaking his name. I spent time outdoors soaking up the sun rays and fresh air. I would sit under the stars each night and gaze upon the heavens with the knowing that soon I would be looking for him there. I held Scarlett so much more. She would lay with me and I would hold her hand over Christian.
Within a couple of days I noticed that his movements began to slow right down, so much so that I was only getting a few kicks a day and so I began to keep count of them. Over those days I felt that I held it together really well. I wanted to be strong for my family even though I felt far from it, but it all got too much and I completely broke down. I sat on the floor of our bedroom and screamed. I hadn’t slept in days and I just couldn’t believe this was happening to us and our little boy. Sam left the house and drove to the hospital to get me some sleeping tablets. He came back quickly with the medication and I went to bed. I felt like I was going to drown in my misery. I wanted to die.
We received so many well wishes over the last couple of weeks. One woman from my Mothers Group named Katherine came with a box of gifts for us. There were blankets to wrap Christian in, a teddy bear and some beautiful candles. I remember showing them to my Dad, he couldn’t even speak, he was so moved and so devastated. His silence said everything. I didn’t understand at the time how much I would treasure Katherine’s gifts. They would become so precious to me.