If you find yourself here because you have experienced the death of your baby or child, I just want to send you all of my love right now in this moment. If this was not the internet and instead of you entering my website address into your web browser, you walked over to my house and knocked on the front door, I would welcome you into my home, give you a warm hug and make you some tea. We would sit on my couch in my art studio and I would listen to your story and we would cry together. We would just sit there and be. You would leave my home when you felt ready, knowing that this journey of grief and healing was entirely yours and that you could choose to do whatever you like with it. You would leave with a deep knowing that you are not alone. There are others like you and me.
After experiencing the stillbirth of our beautiful son Christian my world ended. It felt as though my soul left my body. I was weak. I was numb. I weighed next to nothing. I stopped living and started existing. I stopped answering the phone. I put down my paint brushes. I closed up all the doors and windows and I closed myself off from the real world. I was dead inside.
After 18 months of trying to make sense of the cruelness that was the reality of our lives, I dreamed of our son for the first time. It was a deep connection that I felt to him. So deep that I felt my blood begin to pump around my weary body again. My soul light had been reignited. He was okay. He was more than okay. He was living a full and amazing life on Heaven’s Beach. I realized that I needed to take all that time to sit in the dark with my grief. I had to go through that. We all do.
The dream inspired me to visit the beach and write Christian’s name in the sand. On August 19th 2008 Christian’s Beach was born and our lives were changed again forever. Since that day back in the Winter of 2008 over 19,000 children’s names have been written in the sand at sunset on Christian’s Beach. You can find most of my Beach Art and Memorial Beach Photographs here.
Over the last few years I have felt led to share my experience with others walking the road of pregnancy, infant and child loss. My family and I have created three international days for bereaved families. Bereaved Mothers Day, Bereaved Fathers Day and August 19th – Day of Hope. All of my projects can be found by licking on the “GRIEF PROJECTS” tab at the top of this website.
Project Heal is my place of healing and transformation, growth and learning. It is my place to come and write about my light-work, my life, what is inspiring me, what I am working on, what my children are teaching me, what this life is teaching me. I write often at my facebook page, it is filled with my photographs and stories. Project Heal is not just about healing from this terribly dark experience. It is about sitting with your grief, exploring it and growing with it. It is about returning to life and living it wholeheartedly. Not just for yourself, but for your child too.
I have written so much about my son that I have planted his story into the ground. It is now rooted in the Earth, intertwined amongst the trees. The Earth knows his story now, he will not be forgotten. He will be remembered long after I become ash, myself. I can breathe a sigh of relief. Since Christian died, I have always identified myself with his loss. I didn’t know who I was outside of my grief. I now am on the road to creating my beautiful life I am discovering my purpose. This is a beautiful and exciting point to be at. I am living an inspired life. I hope I can share that with you, I hope you feel that connection to life at some point too. I feel so many of us live the loss of our children. We lose our old identity and so we cling to our grief and that in return becomes our new identity. We do not know who we are outside of our grief. The truth is that grief is a part of me. I have accepted that. I hope my work empowers others to rediscover themselves as well. Healing is possible when you are mindful about the importance of self care, self love, self growth and healing. Remember to be still. Remember to take moments each day just to stop and observe what your heart is feeling. Stand outside in the Earth. Get fresh air everyday and open your heart to the beauty that this world holds for you.
WHERE ELSE YOU CAN FIND ME <3
My art, heartwork and story has been published in the following books:
If you are here because your heart is broken my hope for you is that you can begin to heal, grow and learn and that you can find the light that shines within you… it never goes out, it may dim at times, but like your soul, your light is eternal. May you find your light again and see that you are a real gift to this world. In time, I pray that you discover the gifts that your child has left for you in their short life. Just like every baby who is born healthy and alive, your child is a miracle and a true gift to you and this Earth.
With love and blessings to you,