If you find yourself here because you have experienced the death of your child, I just want to send you all of my love right now in this moment. If this was not the internet and instead of entering my website address into your browser you walked over to my house and knocked on the front door, I would welcome you into my home, give you a hug, wrap a warm blanket around you and make you some tea. We would sit on my couch in my art studio and I would listen to your story and we would cry together. You would leave my home when you felt ready, knowing that this journey of grief and healing was entirely yours and that you could choose to do whatever you like with it. And you would learn that you were not alone. There are others like you and me.
After experiencing the stillbirth of our beautiful son Christian my world ended. My soul left my body. I was weak. I weighed next to nothing, my skin was so pale it was almost transparent. I stopped living and started existing. I stopped answering the phone. I put down my paint brushes. I didn’t cry anymore. I was dead inside.
After 18 months of trying to make sense of the cruelness that was the reality of our lives, I dreamed of our son for the first time. I was walking along a beautiful beach. Up ahead of me were three young children, their skin glowed in the warm sunlight. There were two boys and a girl. They were too young to be by themselves, especially by the sea and I worried for them and decided I would go and see where their parents were. As I became closer to them I could see that they were drawing in the sand with pieces of driftwood. They spotted me and before I could do anything they skipped off up into the sand dunes. I could hear them laughing as they disappeared from my sight. Their giggles echoed out to sea. As I got to the point where they had been drawing, I saw that they had written their names in the sand. The names read Noah, Christian and Bella. It was only then that I realized that I had dreamed of him and for the first time since his fatal diagnosis. I felt my blood begin to pump around my weary body again. My soul had returned and my light that had burned out had been reignited. He was okay. He was more than okay. He was living a full and amazing life on Heaven’s Beach and he was with his friends who had also left their families too soon.
This dream inspired me to visit the beach and write Christian’s name in the sand. On August 19th 2008 Christian’s Beach was born and our lives were changed again forever. Since that day back in the Winter of 2008 over 18,000 children’s names have been written in the sand at sunset on Christian’s Beach.
Over the last few years I have felt led to share my experience with others walking the road of pregnancy, infant and child loss. My family and I have created three international days for bereaved families. Bereaved Mothers Day, Bereaved Fathers Day and August 19th – Day of Hope. All of my projects can be found by licking on the “PROJECTS” tab at the top of this website.
You can find most of my Beach Art and Memorial Beach Photographs here.
Project Heal is my place of healing and transformation. It is my place to come and write about my lightwork, my life, what is inspiring me, what I am working on, what my children are teaching me, what this life is teaching me. I write often at my facebook page, it is filled with my photographs and stories.
I have written so much about him that I have planted his story into the ground. It is now rooted in the Earth, intertwined amongst the trees. The Earth knows his story, he will not be forgotten now. He will be remembered even long after I become ash, myself. I can breathe a sigh of relief. Since Christian died, I have always identified myself with his loss. I didn’t know who I was outside of my grief. I now am on the road to discovering who I am and what my purpose is in this life. This is a beautiful and exciting point to be at. I am living an inspired life. I hope I can share that with you. I feel so many of us live the loss of our children. We lose our old identity and so we cling to our grief and that in return becomes our new identity. We do not know who we are outside of our grief. Grief is a part of me. I have accepted that. When he died, all I wanted to do was heal, but now I want much more than just healing. I want to grow and learn and this is what I have chosen to do. 2014 is going to be a year of discovering, emergence and transformation. I hope my work empowers others to rediscover themselves as well. This year is about self care, self love and self growth and healing.
My latest project – Self Care Intentions and Affirmations can be found by clicking here.
If you are here because your heart is broken my hope for you is that you can begin to heal, grow and learn and that you can find the light that shines within you… it never goes out, it may dim at times, but like your soul, your light is eternal. May you find your light again and see that you are a real gift to this world. In time, I pray that you discover the gifts that your child has left for you in their short life. Just like every baby who is born healthy and alive, your child is a miracle and a true gift to you and this Earth.
With love and blessings to you,