Mother Glow

Just like I held your three sisters on the day of their births, I held you on my chest for hours on the day you were born. Whilst we heard the healthy screams of babies in the other rooms around us, our room was quiet as could be. A blanket of sadness and peace covered our suite. It drowned out the sounds of the happy families around us. It was just your Dad, you and I.

When your sisters were born I took hundreds of photos of them. They were miraculous little beings and I could not believe that they had been given to me to raise and look after. When you were born I never picked up my camera that day. It wasn’t because you were not as miraculous as your sisters – you were a beautiful miracle and for whatever reason we were only allowed to have you for a day. How could I put you down to go and get my camera? We had moments, not years. I couldn’t put you down, I couldn’t take my eyes off you.

I have little evidence of you. A few surgical images that the kind midwives tried to make more gentle by having you hold a flower when they photographed you. I was blessed enough to live in a state that recognized your life and because of that recognition I was given a birth certifcate with your beautiful name on it.

You were not a lost pregnancy or a stillborn as some have described you. You were not a sad thing that happened to us or a tragic circumstance. You were a baby, my baby, our baby. A human being. I glowed the day you were born. I call it The Mother Glow. It happens to every mother regardless of whether her baby breathes or not and that memory of my reflection in the mirror that day is enough evidence for me that you existed.

You are my son and although I cannot care for you physically, I carry you always. You are everywhere I go. Especially when I hold your sisters. Your DNA is a part of mine now and that bonds us together forever.

 

Comments

  1. Carley,
    There are few words that can give you the peace that we all seek in time of losing a precious child.But there are my words that describes beauty,love and joy that a child gives us no matter how long that we are blessed with them..May you alway move forward with this site and help with the healing of not only yourself but of others awell.
    thank you so much your such blessing to so many.

  2. Melanie c says:

    Oh carly, your words are always so perfect. I love how you explain your relationship with Christian as his mum. He truly is a wonderful blessing to you and your family, but also to so many of us that you share your journey with. I am grateful for you and for Christian and honored to call the Dudley family my friends. Loads of love to you mumma xxxx

  3. Thank you. That is so beautiful and so true. Oh how I wish I had more moments to hold my boys, but I know they are with me always, and I treasure that everyday.

  4. Oh friend, I love reading your posts about Christian. I love how you describe him, and how he was a beautiful life and not a tragedy, as so many often think of our babies gone too soon. Thank you for sharing your heart. I feel the same way, that Jenna is closer than ever when I hold Bubby close. I can’t explain it, but I totally agree :)

    lots of love xxxx

  5. This is beautiful. You are beautiful. Christian has changed the world through you, Sam, and his sisters. Thank you for sharing your sweet son with us. Much love to you, Carly.

  6. I think every mom has that glow too no matter if their baby is born living or born already gone. I remember having it myself for each of my girls.

  7. HERMOSO,HERMOSO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. It’s been 12 days since I gave birth to my Wee Betty who arrived 19 weeks early and wasn’t prepared to stay in this world to us. She was our first pregnancy so everything was new…When she was born, it was too late for the doctors to save her so they put her into our arms and just gave us the time to love her. I haven’t been able to put what happened into words until I received an email from a friend with one of your pictures she had you make in honour of Betty. When I this post you wrote so soon after
    Betty was born, it was like everything I felt was staring at me. –

    She wasn’t a lost pregnancy or a stillborn as some have describes her. She wasn’t not a sad thing that happened to us or a tragic circumstance. She was a baby, my baby, our baby. A human being. I glowed the from the second I laid eyes on her. I had no idea what was happening…my baby had died yet my heart had never before felt so full. I knew, like you, that I had moments with her, that when she was taken from my arms, she would never return and it broke me.

    I have no idea how I will get through this…I know I will, I just have to find my way. But I want to thank you for giving that amazing feeling that I have felt a name. Knowing that there are others out there that have felt this way and others out there that have made it through means so much to me right now.

    • Your Great Mom! Posted on I really miessd you! Don’t do that to me again. You have posted some great stuff and I will continue to check your site at least a couple of times each week.

  9. Just beautiful. This post brought me to tears.

  10. I am shocked that people have stolen your work…. read this link from Face Book copyrights and see if you can get them to stop…. Blessings, Glenys

    https://www.facebook.com/legal/terms?ref=pf

  11. Angela koshinsky says:

    that is perfectly the way i felt when i realised that my angel mary was still born at 25 weeks last aug….its seems like a slow motion seen from a bad movie,,,i have one image also and empty aching arms most days…god bless you for everything that you are going through or whatever you need to do to find strength to get through your loss….Angela

  12. Carly, your words truly continue to help me heal. There are days when it is so easy to be angry, but your posts help me put things into perspective and see the goodness and beauty that lies below the surface.

  13. My nephew was born sleeping last week and it has been hard for everyone especially his parents. I love “glory baby” by watermark. There is a verse that says “I will rest in knowing that heaven is your home an it’s all you’ll ever know”
    I can’t wait to see my own daughter that I miscarried and now my nephew some day

  14. This is really beautiful Carly and has bought tears to my eyes. Thankyou for being so honest and sharing your story to support so many others. My precious little baby boy was also taken from us three years ago – I only wish I had seen something like this when I was going through it all.

    You are so very lucky that you were able to spend so much time with your little Christian and to have his birth certificate. I’m sure you’ll treasure that forever.

    Thankyou for reminding me that he is my son, that he is real and that I am his Mum. I love you Kaleb.

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