Emotions About This New Little Life You Are Carrying
Falling pregnant after enduring the loss of a baby at any age or gestation can be an emotional rollercoaster. Your innocence has been taken from you. There is not blissful pregnancy anymore. You may feel anxious, worried, frightened, excited, joyful and thankful all in the one day.
You may have many fears about this new road that you have begun to walk and that is completely normal and understandable. There is no real magic cure to get over your fears but there are some things that you can do that may help to calm your mind and worried heart.
Women handle pregnancy after loss differently. Some women distance themselves from their baby as a means to protect themselves from another loss. They feel that if they don’t connect with their baby then they will not suffer so much if the baby dies. Other women do everything possible to connect with their baby. They want to make as many memories as possible.
When Should We Announce The Pregnancy?
This is a very personal decision. There is no right or wrong time. Some people wait until they are 13 weeks as that is a time that society believes everything will be okay from that point on… oh don’t we in this community know better than that. Some people try to hold off telling family until they have past the point of the gestation of their previous baby that died. They do this to avoid having family and friends always asking them questions on how they are feeling and so on. Obviously you can only hide a pregnancy for so long before if becomes obvious. Others tell their family and friends straight away so that they have a support network from day one. The only issue people may have that is the baby does pass away they have to go through the experience of notifying everyone of their loss. Do what feels right for you.
This Is A Different Baby
It is only natural that your heart and mind are with your little one that could not stay with you. You need to take this pregnancy one day at a time. This is a different baby, a completely new life. You need to focus your energy on today, not tomorrow. Worrying about tomorrow and the week after that and the month after that will only bring you anxiety and that is the last thing you need to feel right now. it is important for you to relax as much as possible. Make sure you can get outside each day for some fresh air even if it is just for 5 minutes. Spend that time focusing on your breathing. Take deep long breaths. Do this whenever you are feeling really anxious.
Support Groups
Find yourself a support group online for people who are pregnant after experiencing a loss. There is a really sweet page on facebook that is uplifting and positive. Talking to others who are going through what you are will be helpful to you and you will not feel so alone. If you read grief blogs you may want to distance yourself a little from the real heavy stuff as you need to remain as positive as possible to help you get through the remaining months of your pregnancy. People will tend to warn you of all the things that could possibly go wrong with your pregnancy… “watch out for this and watch out for that” These people mean only good things for you but at the end of the day there a a million different things that could wrong and if you were going to try and concertrate on them all you will end up in a very bad place. Staying positive can be a real challenge after everything you have been through but it is really important to spend your precious engery on things that will uplift you rather than drag you down into a deep hole. Some people read a positive affirmations when they get up in the morning, others spend time meditating/praying or spending their spare time doing something they enjoy and love. Find something that works for you.
Hospital and Clinic Appointments
You may want to arrange a friend or family member to accompany you to your appointments if you have to go to a place that may bring upsetting memories to you. Having emotional support will be of great help to you. Make sure you tell your care giver how you are feeling and ask them any questions that you may have.
What To Do If You Are Worried ABout Your Baby
Call your midwife or obstetrician. Always go with your gut, if something feels wrong to you or you are worried just go into the ER. Do not worry that you are wasting anybodies time – you are not.
Should I have A Baby Shower?
This is completely up to you. Never feel pressured into doing anything that you are not comfortable with. A really beautiful alternative to a baby shower is a mother and baby blessing ceremony. To read more about them click here.
Should I Bother Having A Birth Plan?
Birth plans are a good thing to have. We all know though that sometimes when you make plans, life gets in the way and changes your plans for you. In saying that though write yourself out a plan for what you would like to have happen on the day of your child’s birth. SPeak to your midwife/ob about your wishes and desires.
We wish you all the peace and love in the world for this road you are walking. We hope you found this information helpful.
Thank you for this Carly. Today I am 34 weeks into my second pregnancy, my first ended in my son being born still at 37 weeks. My anxiety and stress are beginning to rise and last night my husband and I ended up in Labor and Delivery because I was sure this baby had died, too. Thankfully, our second son is healthy and so am I.
I know this advice will help other mothers experiencing pregnancy after such a great loss. Thank you for all the wonderful work you do in our community. xo
Hi Angie
I’ve just lost my first baby, he was also still born at 37 weeks. I’m already anxious about being pregnant again and we haven’t even started trying yet. Its great to hear that someone else has experienced the same as me and then gone on to have another baby.xx
Carly, i am so blessed to have found you. Thank you once again for being your wise wonderful self. 8 weeks into my third pregnancy and my first pregnancy since Clare was still born the anxiety seems all to overwhelming. i think i will be reading this information over and over in the next 32 weeks.
Karen
Your blog Water Babe helped me more than you’ll ever know with my pregnancy with Bubby. It helped me to muster up the courage to blog about him as I carried him.
Dear Carly,
I would really like to read your blog on your latest pregnancy. I know you probably get swamped with messages and comments, but if you have the time and if you’re okay with me reading it, could you please add my address to your list of readers? If not, that is totally okay too.
Thanks for this inspiring blog, that I have been following since my beautiful baby boy died last winter.
Love,
Merel
Dear Carly,
Thank you so much for this website, and the beautiful names in the sand. I’m over here from Sally’s blog Tuesdays’ Hope, and I’ve just made a request. Our son, Seamus, died in May at the end of my pregnancy due to an umbilical cord accident. He was our first child. Saying goodbye to Seamus and living without him is the hardest thing we have ever had to do.
We are lucky in that I am now pregnant again – just over 16 weeks on this terrifying journey. It is nice to stumble onto a site that acknowledges the difficult and complicated emotions a pregnancy-after-loss brings. We do what we can, take things one step at a time, breathe deeply, try to stay calm, but inevitably we have wobbles.
Thank you for all that you do for strangers out there, like me, feeling a little lost.
Love always,
Aoife
xx
Carly,
Thank you so much… I know you hear this often, but I feel like it can’t be said enough. We lost our son, Joshua, on Feb 28, 2011. He was our only child and we decided to devote our lives to him… he was 2 1/2 years old. He died from sudden onset of H1N1 and pneumonia that developed in under 12 hours.
Reading about pregnancy after loss has helped ease some of the anxiety we have about having another one. Aside from the loss I had my tubes tied and an ablation (this was in Aug of 2010), so aren’t sure what the future will hold for us. We thank you for everything you have done. Joshua’s name was done in the sand as a surprise to my husband and I as a Christmas Gift. They had it put on Canvas and framed and it was/is the best Christmas Gift we received this year. Thank you for your wonderful work and loving heart.
God bless,
Cynthia
Thank you Carly for this page. Its a shame I found it out so late. I lost my son 2 years ago. He was still born in 39 week of pregnancy at 18th May 2010. His gift to us on his first “birthday” was a positiv pregnancy test. He sent us his sister Emily, which was born on 19th December 2011 in week 35. If had found your page earlier in pregnancy I think it would have been easier for me. I was always scared and as you wrote I lost my inocence in my first pregnancy.
To all those women who are in a pregnancy after loss. Trust your little wonders inside. They are stronger as you think.
Huggs
ITS NICE TO SEE YOU ALL FIND SOME HAPPINESS WITH BEING BLESSED WITH A CHILD ANOTHER LOSING YOUR CHILD. READING THIS GIVES ME SOME HOPE FOR THE FUTURE FOR MY WIFE AND I WHO HAVE LOST CHILDREN DURING PREGNANCY, THANK YOU FOR SHARING
tnx Carly for your blog. It’s been three weeks since we’ve lost our
baby boy
at 25 weeks. I wish i had found this earlier coz i was so scared
i thought i was loosing my mind. My son followed her two sisters
whom we lost one at 16 weeks and another one at 28 weeks.
I was an emotional wreck throughout the whole pregnancy and
right now i am so numb i dont even know how to handle this loss.
I’d love to try again but obviously not now coz i need to deal with what has happened first
before i think of moving forward.
Stay blessed
Olga
Hi everyone, I lost my first baby at 34 weeks 16 years ago, and its taken me all this time to get pg again…it took years to find a decent bloke, and it was 8 years by time I was ttc for first time in my life, by then in mid 30s…but we got diagnosed with “unexplained infertility” four years on…we tried clomid, IVF,IUI etc nothing worked. (Also 5 family deaths, and 6 friend deaths in 2 years during all this). We then got put on waiting list for egg donation as this, apparently, was our only hope left…2 years wait and im finally pg with donor egg at age 44! Its now hard getting my head around the fact genetic line ends with me as ive no other family left (even my siblings were lost as babies, and both parents are gone now). But im only half way to the stage I lost Aidan…who would be coming up for 17 this year, and im terrified…but I understand what Carly wrote above, part of me is in denial, Im scared I wont bond with this baby after everything ive been thru, but apparently its all normal. xxx